Do NOT call me Jennifer.

National Awesome Radio

2009-05-06T20:15:00.007-05:00

So first off I have to apologize for being a bad, bad blogger. I have not posted in forever. However, I have been jotting down notes of topics that inspire me and that I should blog about. I noticed an interesting trend in doing this. Most of the topics came from listening to NPR. Yeah, yeah I know only tree huggin', gun hatin', liberal hippies listen to NPR. Whatevs, count me in cause I loves me some "All Things Considered " and “Fresh Air.”

NPR just wrapped up their most recent pledge drive that interrupted my programing for two whole weeks! I have decided the way to shorten the pledge drive next time around is to expand their listening audience. So in an effort to share the awesomeness that is National Public Radio I am going to list the interesting nuggets of information I have retained from listening recently.

Due to the exploding population of Burmese Pythons in the Florida Keys they have created a Python Patrol . It consists of city workers and mail carriers calling a hotline whenever they spot a python. Really? My only line of defense against an invading army of Pythons would be the mail man? Because I consistently get my neighbors Net Flix so if I lived in The Keys I would be quite concerned.

Side Note: Whenever I hear Python Patrol I think of the Prince song Pussy Control. Then I walk around singing Awwww, Python Patrol in my head all day.

In Saudi Arabia all of the lingerie stores are owned and staffed by men. In order to purchase bras and underwear Saudi Arabian women must be measured and sized by men. This seems inconsistent with their other customs. Plus, Victor's Secret doesn't have the same ring to it.

We have General Motors to thank for our Nation's dependency on credit. Apparently, they were the first U.S. company to implement the idea of buy now pay later. They one up'ed Ford by introducing the concept of financing for large scale purchases and producing cars in pretty colors. Silly old Ford was still using layaway and producing cars in only one color, black. So thanks to GM we are addicted to credit AND shiny, pretty colored metal objects.

Entomologists study insects for a living so you think they would love all bugs but even Entomologists don't like cockroaches! Cockroaches are a big cause for the spread of allergies across the country. Apparently, cockroaches pick up allergens and chemicals, shed their exoskeletons, and then their exoskeletons get picked up and spread through the air ducts. Many entomologists develop severe allergies from constantly handling cockroaches. Also, apparently cockroaches like to infest coffee beans. So if you are drinking pre ground coffee there is a high chance it has just a hint of ground cockroach.

Side Note: Every time I go to Starbucks I will be thinking “Yes, you paid almost $5 for this coffee but it is freshly ground and has significantly less chances of being infested with cockroaches.” Also, I totally spelled Entomologist right on the first try because I am hooked on phonics.

This concludes today's lesson. Listen to NPR and support public broadcasting or my next post will be about Charlie Rose as a sex icon and NOBODY WANTS THAT! Class dismissed.

I'm on your lawn old man. Deal with it.

2009-03-09T19:50:00.007-05:00

Okay, so a lot has been written and said about Rush Limbaugh. I am sure I have nothing new to say but I need to get a few things off my chest. Since my husband would much rather watch "Chuck" than listen to me rant those few (very few) of you who read this blog get the privilege.

As you are probably aware Rush Limbaugh recently told his listeners that he was asked by “a major American print publication” to offer a 400-word statement explaining his “hope for the Obama presidency.” He responded:

“So I’m thinking of replying to the guy, Okay, I’ll send you a response, but I don’t need 400 words, I need four: I hope he fails.”

I have so many problems with this I don't know where to begin. My first instinct is to fire back with vile comments about the definition of failure being a thrice divorced hypocritical drug addict.

Then as I my blood pressure lowers and the veins in my neck stop bulging I start to think more rationally.

Rush likes to scream about "liberal" elitists imposing their values and judgments on average hardworking Americans. What I don't get is how hoping that Obama fails is any different. He is sitting on his radio throne hoping that policies designed to help alleviate the financial squeeze average Americans are feeling fails. What Rush doesn't point out is that if Obama fails all of those people who listen intently to his show on a daily basis suffer for it. Oh, but I forget Rush doesn't care because he has enough money from spewing polarizing political rhetoric to see himself through the current economic crisis. How can loyal Rush fans not see that? Beyond that how can the Republican party not see that?

The closet thing "liberals" have to a Rush Limbaugh is Al Franken or Micheal Moore. Unlike Rush Al Franken actually got off his butt and decided to participate in the process so he might make a difference. As far as Micheal Moore goes we "liberals" love his books, movies, and wacky ways to illustrate a point but we don't go so far as to elevate him to the status of de-facto spokesperson.

Rush has become the equivalent to the bitter angry old neighbor man screaming "get off my lawn." He's full of rage because slowly but surely society and politics are leaving him behind. A younger, more inclusive, more moderate generation is beginning to take power and he wants us off his lawn.

Rush here is my 4 word statement about my hope for you.

"I hope you retire"

Modern Day Theater of the Absurd

2009-03-06T22:27:00.005-06:00

Thanks to the miracle of Tivo I am very rarely forced to watch live TV. However, today I stopped to fix myself a quick lunch and decided that since I had no time to start anything on Tivo I would risk watching live TV.

Little did I know that I would see something that would fill me with so much glee. The Martha Stewart show was on. Martha Stewart is one of the few subjects on which I have no opinion...until today.

When I hit the info button on my Tivo and this is what I saw as the recap of the episode:

Rapper QTip; How to care for Orchids; How to make a rhubarb tart

Martha then proceeded to force the rapper QTip to participate in her Craft Room segment. Martha's prison term appears to have had more of an effect on her than I thought. She totally made QTip her crafting bitch.

All I have to say Martha is give me more! Below are my suggestions:

Lil' Wayne pruning banzai trees
Flo' Rida creating tablescapes
Dr. Dre scrap booking
Soulja Boy making jam
Eminem teaching Calligraphy
Ludacris baking petits fours
Jay-Z cake decorating
50 cent designing wedding invitations

Please, oh please, let me see one of these come to fruition in my life time.

Heathen Halitosis Cure

2009-02-25T17:38:00.005-06:00

If you give someone one of these it say's "I think you are a Godless heathen and your breath stinks."

25 facts that will rock your socks off

2009-01-13T18:10:00.005-06:00

Okay, so like on facebook my friend Karissa like challenged me to like list like 25 things that like you may not like know about me. So, like here we go:

1. I am obsessed with watching re-runs of "The West Wing" and "Gilmore Girls"

2. I love the artificial flavor of banana but I only tolerate actual banana

3. I have 3 tatoo's

4. I once won a district spelling bee but I never made it to the "big show"

5. Post high school I managed a Santa booth at Christmas and had to call mall security on a irate mom

6. I slap my knee in really funny movies. I can't help it.

7. I am an uber klutz. Even my Wii fit knows it. It asked me "Do You Fall Down A Lot?"

8. Because I love dogs I seem to be a lost and stray dog magnet

9. I really like meat but feel guilty about eating it because I don't know how the animals were treated

10. Clowns scare the ever lovin' stuffin' out of me

11. Wal-Mart is my arch enemy

12. Jenny to Diet Coke: "I wish I knew how to quit you"

13. Thanks to my husband I have become an electronics snob. I don't own a DVR I own a Tivo, I don't have an MP3 player I have an Ipod, etc.

14. I never miss Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale because it's the best sale evah....

15. When I was in sixth grade I was so obsessed with the book "The Outsiders" I wore the cover and eventually the binding off

16. I played Mrs. Paroo in our high school production of "The Music Man"

17. I have my esthetician's license but I have let it lapse

18. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up

19. Do you like American music? I like American music.

20. I am very passionate about politics but I don't undestand why people insist on political bumper stickers. Especially since if your candidate loses it can be really hard to get off. I bet there was a run on goo-gone in Texas when the McCain-Palin ticket went belly up.

21. I am allergic to lillies

22. My Iphone was a gateway drug and now I am mac convert

23. Rachel Ray as a person annoys me but I like her cookbooks

24. I have never seen any of the Star Wars movies

25. I taught Sunday school for 5 years. Scary, huh?

Hardest Working Gadget

2009-01-08T17:47:00.004-06:00

My husband is a self processed geek who loves gadgets so we have many in our home. Recently, it occurred to me that we have one gadget that no matter how much I abuse never seems to break. It is our television remote. To be more specific it seems to be all television remotes. I have never, ever broken a TV remote. I have broken many cell phones, blow dryers, curling irons, a set of rollers, a laptop, a portable home phone, a camera, an alarm clock , a can opener, a 13in TV, and a stereo (and many other things I am forgetting).

I find it ironic that the remote has survived since it's the gadget I use most frequently. I have sat on it, dropped it, spilled water on it, stepped on it, kicked it, thrown it, and one time the dog spent several mintues trying to use it as a chew toy. The remote just takes a lickin' and keeps on clickin'.

What amazing materials are TV remotes made from? Is the remote made from the same thing as the little black box inside of airplanes? Mine appear to be made from plain old plastic. Perhaps they are made from magical enchanted plastic and constructed by special elves.

I officially award the TV remote the "Most Durable Gadget Award" and in my house that really means something. If all gadgets were as durable then I am sure my husband would feel much more comfortable introducing them to me.

Yeah, for TV remotes!

Abusive Relationship

2008-12-08T17:44:00.004-06:00

I am newly married but I have been in an abusive relationship for a long, long time. To be clear my husband is not my abuser. He is fantastic. As a matter of fact he tries to help me recover after my brutal battles with my abuser.

My abuser is Wal-Mart. The nature of our relationship is that I give them money, they treat me like crap, I complain to the manager in the hopes that one day they might change, they never change, and I continue to go back for more.

Why do I do this? Am I a stubborn optimist that hopes this evil corporate giant might one day change there ways? Or is it the fact that I can buy a box of macaroni for .66 cents? Are their crazy low prices worth my self esteem and sanity?

The moment I drive into the parking lot a sense of impending dread washes over me but I shrug it off thinking "I only need one or two things it won't be THAT bad."

As I enter the store I always see the warning signs. Mother's trying to stuff pacifiers into the mouths of their screaming babies. The angry, befuddled faces of the other shoppers. I even ignore the fact that there is not one grocery cart that will drive straight in the entire cart area.

I am a battered consumer. My relationship with Wal-Mart exhibits all the classics signs of an abusive relationship.

One partner tries to control the other
One partner acts jealous or possessive
One partner destroys or threatens to destroy the other's belongings
One partner speaks to the other in a way or ways that hurt or scare the other partner
One partner blames the other one and other people for everything
One partner says that the concerns of the other, about the relationship, are not real or not important

So how do I end this cycle of abuse? Is it possible for me not to ever shop at Wal-Mart, again?
I am going to try my hardest never to have to grace the doors of this brutal establishment again. However, on those occasions when it is unavoidable I am going to send my husband.

Me and my lameness

2008-11-19T23:21:00.011-06:00

A few Sundays ago I found myself sitting at a Starbucks in the mall, sipping a latte, and waiting for the RAM upgrade in my new IMac to be completed. In that moment I came to a realization. I am lame!

I used to be cool. I shopped at Goodwill, drove a vinatage car, listened to Indy bands, and read thought provoking novels. Now I shop at the mall, drive an SUV, listen to talk radio, and watch TV.

What on earth happened to my former cool self?

My only consolation is that I am not alone. I have many friends that have taken this same path. However, most of them blame this journey on their children. I do not have any offspring to excuse my path to becoming lame.

Hmm...what would my old cool self say to the current lame me if we met in some parallel universe.

Would we argue over the fact that although I have an SUV it actually gets better gas mileage and has lower emissions than that cool vintage car? Plus it's a lot safer since the windshield wipers and break lights actually work.

Would we agree that although talk radio sucks it's better than listening to radio stations that play the same top 40 songs over and over again?

Okay, so maybe my old cool self and my current lame self have more in common than I thought. After all both my former cool self and my current lame self have the same political and social ideals. I think if we got to know each other we would find we weren't that different after all.

I think maybe my former cool self might have been judgmental and snobbish when it came to things I deemed as uncool. Plus, my former cool self couldn't afford to shop anywhere but Goodwill and although I love to read I had not yet discovered the wonders of the Tivo.

Maybe the moral of this story is that in becoming lame I am actually cooler because I no longer care if other people think I am lame.

Honeymoon Cliff Notes

2008-11-04T09:37:00.007-06:00

So it has been awhile. The wedding is over, phew! It was fantastic and fun and I will have more posts about that later but I thought I would give you the Honeymoon in Cliff Notes. If you want to see the pics visit our smug mug page.

Wedding Night: Stayed at the Westin DFW and had chocolate covered strawberries and champagne.

Day 1: Flew to Ft. Lauderdale and stayed at the The Atlantic hotel. They upgraded us to the penthouse suite. It was crazy awesome! Had delicious dinner at Charley's Crab. They printed our names on the menu. Tres fancy!

Day 2: Went to beach in Ft. Lauderdale. Tried to swim in Ocean but waves knocked me on my butt. Boarded the cruise ship, checked out our room (not quite the same as the penthouse), and completed the muster drill (in case the boat sinks). Lot's of jokes about mustard versus mayo ensued. Had worlds strongest drink. Became slightly overwhelmed with the sheer amount of things to do on a cruise and exhausted ourselves.

Day 3: Stopped in Key West. Went on Ghost and Legends walking tour, visited Butterfly Conservatory, took picture at the southernmost point in the US, visited Tony's Pirate Bar (oldest bar in Florida), ate Key Lime Pie, and boarded ship. Got dressed up for formal night and went to dinner but was really windy outside and Mark got sea sick. Went back to room early, watched movies, and took silly pictures.

Day 4: Stopped in Cozumel. Went on the ATV and Beach Adventure. Rode ATV's through the jungle, visited mayan spring and caves, got very muddy, went to Beach, ate best Fajitas ever, drank yummy drinks. Boarded ship, had dinner, went to spa and got massage, and relaxed.

Day 5: Stopped in Belize. Went on Snorkel and Private Island Excursion. Took a boat out to coral reef. I snorkled and Mark drank free rum punch. Went to private island called Bannister Caye and relaxed. Took tender boat back to cruise ship. Went to dinner, attended hilarious "Love and Marriage Game Show", and went to bed exhausted.

Day 6: On board boat all day. Slept until almost noon and had room service. Played trivia, gambled, and packed up. Went to dinner, went to farewell show, and went to bed early.

Day 7: Boat docked at 7am. Ate breakfast and disembarked around 9:15. Process was much easier than expected and was at airport by 10:30am. Caught an early flight home.

Summary: Had a fabulous honeymoon! Thanks Dad and Caroline for sending us on a great trip!

Grandpa Wilkerson turns 70 this month!

2008-10-04T21:29:00.011-05:00

The photos below prove three things:

1. My Grandparents really need to get off dial up

2. My Grandma's birthday was in September but I could find no embarrassing photos of her to post. She is pretty good at avoiding the camera.

3. Technology may change but people pretty much stay the same

Does anyone else see a similarity?

2008-09-29T19:26:00.004-05:00

Miss Teen USA

Sarah Palin

Puppies for Obama!

2008-09-27T11:13:00.003-05:00

I am raising my dogs to be interested in the political process. They have more sense than some other politicians I know.

God has a problem with my cruise?

2008-09-26T21:00:00.003-05:00

Mark and I have a nasty habit of reading the fine print in documents before we sign them. Below is an excerpt from the contract we signed in order to register for our cruise. I find it slightly disturbing.

11. CARRIER SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR INJURY, DEATH, ILLNESS, DAMAGE, DELAY OR OTHER LOSS TO PERSON OR PROPERTY, OR ANY OTHER CLAIM BY ANY PASSENGER CAUSED BY ACT OF GOD, WAR, TERRORISM, CIVIL COMMOTION, LABOR TROUBLE, GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE, PERILS OF THE SEA, FIRE, THEFTS OR ANY OTHER CAUSE BEYOND CARRIER'S REASONABLE CONTROL, OR ANY ACT NOT SHOWN TO BE CAUSED BY CARRIER'S NEGLIGENCE.

Really makes you want to go on a cruise doesn't it?

I'm rubber your glue and I have photos to prove it!

2008-09-20T16:50:00.004-05:00

Mark called me and my blog lame today. So I have decided to get back at him. You want to see lame? I got your lame right here!

It's A Nice Day For A Waffle House Wedding

2008-09-18T08:59:00.011-05:00

I recently sent out an email saying I wanted a wedding like this one.

Below is my Aunt Jill's repsonse. I love my family!

Jennifer:

I don't want to be the one who shatters your dreams of a beautiful wedding, but I feel like I should be the voice of reason. Please be realistic: you can't afford to have such a fancy weddin' like them two... Think about the expense of such a high falutin' event. What about yur guests? Did you even stop to think about us? You know we are on a fixed budget, we can't afford nothin' elaborate like that, and besides, we don't want to compete with such a gorgeous weddin' party. Quit being so selfish and think of someone besides yourself, please!! If you won't change your mind, please let us know as soon as possible, we need to lose some teeth, and get some extra tattoos... Jeez, do you ever think about anyone besides yourself??? Get your head out of the clouds, and stop wishin' fer the moon.

Luv,

Yer favorite auntie Jill

Blushing Bride?

2008-09-16T19:02:00.011-05:00

I am not one of these girls who dreamed of her wedding since she was a child. I mostly dreamed about what I was going to be when I grew up, where I was going to live, and the adventures I might have. So after Mark proposed and we decided to have a traditional(ish) wedding I was a little lost but I launched into the wedding planning phase full force. I was prepared to have fun planning the biggest party I have ever thrown.

Then I discovered the truth. Wedding planning is not fun. Wedding planning sucks.

There is myth being perpetrated by evil women that planning your wedding is joyous and fun. The term used for these women is "blushing brides."

Who are all these “blushing brides”? Are they pod people from Stepford?

I present to you that there is no such thing as a blushing bride. This perception of "blushing" actually comes the red face you get after being so frustrated all you really want to do is hop a plane to Vegas and have Elvis pronounce you man and wife.

These "blushing brides" who are having such a joyous time dealing with flaky vendors and paying ridiculous amounts of money for things that would be half the price if the word "wedding" wasn't attached are making me feel guilty for not enjoying this process.

Why should I be made to feel guilty by insidious places like the knot.com or brides magazine because I don't enjoy deciding which I like better for centerpieces roses or lilies?

Isn't all that matters that I like my groom? Which for the record I do.

So does my frustration with the process mean I am any less excited about marrying Mark? Of course not! The only thing that keeps me from pulling out my hair is that I get to be his wife when this is all over with. My priorty is marrying Mark, the man I love, and not planning the “perfect” wedding or being the “blushing bride.”

So I have decided that I am officially okay with the fact that I am not a “blushing bride” and I won't be made to feel guilty about it by magazines, websites, other brides, or anyone else.

Do Not Call Me Jennifer

2008-09-15T08:55:00.004-05:00

I have already been asked why my blog is entitled "Do Not Call Me Jennifer."

First of all we have to hearken back to why my name is Jennifer in the first place. My parents say my name was inspired by a styx song. I recently listened to this song. Let's just say we are lucky I did not rip off my ears and run screaming from the room. It is a truly awful song. This song alone is reason enough to change your name from Jennifer to ANYTHING else.

The actual reason I began asking people not to call me Jennifer is really due to the popularity of the name. It was the number one baby name throughout most of the 1980's. I can name 5 other Jennifer's in my 7th grade class off the top of my head. It is a disturbing experience to hear your name called and have 5 other people respond. Everyone wants to be an original and so out of sheer frustration I asked people to call me Jenny. At the time there were no other Jenny's in my class so it seemed original enough. I realize it's not exactly Princess Consuela Banana Hammock but I figured it would work.

This change disturbed my Mom greatly. She hated it. She has refused to acknowledge my request to be called Jenny. My friends would call the house and ask for Jenny and she would tell them they had the wrong number and hang up on them. I suppose since I was in middle school and going through the standard "I am brilliant and my parents are retarded" phase this probably caused me to dig my heels in even further.

Lastly, I have never really felt like a Jennifer. When I think of Jennifer I think of the 80's big hair, preppy, entitled, stuck up, prissy pants, debutante image. Okay, so maybe I am a prissy pants but I wouldn't consider myself preppy or stuck up. I just feel more like a Jenny.

So that being said there are still plenty of people who call me Jennifer. In my world there are 3 categories of people:

Pre Jenny Family and Friends: They were grandfathered in and can call me Jennifer whenever they want.

Those that call me Jenny: These are close friends who refer to me as Jenny per my request. However, on occasion (mostly to annoy me) they sneak in a Jennifer.

Those that dare call me Jennifer: People who have not earned the right to call me Jennifer and if they to attempt to do so they will be punished quickly and severely.

If you are not sure which category you fall into…well, then see blog title!

Trying Again

2008-09-11T15:58:00.009-05:00

As many of you may know this is my second attempt to blog. I started a blog over a year ago and failed to update it and eventually forgot about it all together. I have recently been inspired to try again. I think this sudden urge might be because it's an election year and I have lots of things I want to say and a very small audience. I am a liberal in Texas, nuff said.

Another reason I am attempting to blog again is because it's a healthy and productive way to relieve my frustrations with the world. My current method is to unleash my pent up rage on any unsuspecting waiter, customer service representative, or call center employee who dares to be short with me.

So I can't promise I will post daily, weekly, or even monthly. However, I can promise you will get some insight into how I think. So be afraid...very afraid......